“Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)”

I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning.  Just getting up and facing the day is such a huge task.  I didn’t sleep well and just wanted to lay in bed and cry and then sleep.  I made it out of bed but was in such a bad mood.  Griped at all of the animals as I made my way to get them all fed.  Now I sit at work, head fuzzy, wishing I would have stayed home.  It’s so hard being here, being around normal, happy people. I used to be one of those people.   I come in early to avoid all of them.  I leave early to avoid all of them.  If I have to leave my office for anything, I peak around the door to see if anyone is coming and then high tale it to the next hall and do the same.  I feel such anxiety at the thought of having to face anyone and their looks of sympathy.  Not just looks of sympathy but the looks of possibly annoyance.  I think some people think I should be over it already.

It’s also the “talking to people” that sends me in a tail spin of tears and the occasional panic attack.  I never would have thought the simple question of “How are you?” would be so tragic to answer.  I stare at the person for a minute, trying to figure out how I can answer this, opening my mouth, closing my mouth… I mean, how am I supposed to answer???? (JUST GREAT!!! My mother just died but who cares?) I typically just say fine and run away.   In their defense, I would be the same way. What do you say?  What do you ask?  How can you be there for someone who has lost someone who means so much to them?