“Sunday Bloody Sunday”

It’s another Sunday. I just miss my mom so much. I know most don’t understand but I didn’t have a life, at least a normal/standard life. The one where I have a husband and kids and something other than her being gone to preoccupy my mind. She was it and what is sad… I let her die. I carry that burden because I was her main support.

I had to run some errands yesterday (which is always hard anymore… she would always ride around with me) and I kinda tried talking to her as I drove and had some realizations: I know some people are thinking that I am feeling sorry for myself… I am. Not in the way one would think but I do feel sorry for myself and anyone who knew her and is missing her. I feel sorry for the people who didn’t get a chance to meet her. She was a very funny and quirky person. I do know that I can’t wallow as much as I have been as much as I want to sink into that emptiness and disappear but I know it’s not what she would have ever wanted. She wanted me to live my life. Find someone who makes me happy and have children. She lived her life and parts of it were very crappy, things happened that she didn’t deserve, but she had five kids whom she loved so much and did all she could for. She gave up her life to give us the best she could, which wasn’t much. She loved us though and that and her friendship is worth so much more than anything material she could have ever given us. I am grateful for that and it’s what I have to lean on. She was my best friend and the best mother I could ask for. She wasn’t perfect and we did rely on each other way too much but I got something a lot of people don’t get… something greater to carry with me as I walk through this life for the remaining days of my life. My mother wasn’t perfect and the things I beat myself up for, I got from her, and my dad… Those things I will get into eventually but it’s starting to work itself into my brain and maybe my heart that I learned a lot of great things from her and my dad but there were negatives too and I have to work on not beating myself up every second of the day and night. It doesn’t mean I don’t still blame myself, or that I don’t miss her so much that the sadness fills my entire being, and it doesn’t mean that I am going to deal with this the way others think I should.