I almost feel like it’s cliche to say that it seems that Taylor Swift can see into our souls and because of that we feel like so many of her songs are written with us in mind. I think that is just due to her talent in pulling from her own experiences and even others and is able to write in a way that does apply. I never realized it until my mom died. The first thing I remember being able to listen to was the Reputation album. Other than a few things here and there that took my mind off of everything but the words from so many of the songs off of this album wrapped around my soul because it was so fitting for what I was going through. I felt like the witch that they were lighting up. Didn’t they know that that was all I wanted? To go away. To burn to ash? I begged to be struck down standing at my mom’s casket at her viewing. To die and be cremated with her. We always were more like one soul than two. The sad thing is… they didn’t have to guess. I made that so clear but my reputation went from one of a good and kind person; to someone who was a liar, a manipulator, an instigator. My reputation died with my mom because the majority of me died with her and I didn’t have it in me to fight back.
I do know in my previous post I stated that I needed to move past the inability to listen to music I shared with my mom but it’s so much harder to actually do. I’ve tried and the overwhelming sadness I feel and the feeling that it’s wrong completely takes over… it’s in my heart… my bones. This feeling that she should be here. Those words alone do not even come close to accurately describing the feeling and maybe I’ll never be able to and quite honestly, maybe I don’t need to explain…
I’ve learned people only want to believe what they want to and when it comes to grieving expect that you are just going to accept their words… that their words are the gospel on grieving and you MUST abide by the rules they set forth. It doesn’t work that way. If that is what people need to do to wash their hands of it and you, then so be it. I feel in this way I have grown so much more than I have in my entire life when it comes to people who are there for you on paper but not in real life. I use this experience to weed out the “friends” from the “acquaintances”. Right or wrong, depending on who you ask I guess, I am okay with it. I am more at peace. I don’t feel the need to try and win them over. I’ve always worried so much when someone didn’t like me… tried to figure out the why of it. Now, I don’t care. I had the best friend I could ever ask for and now I am just trying to get through it. If you are there for me without the expectations that I will just miraculously turn back to who I used to be and accept me for who I am now… The person I am as the minutes in a day tick by. Day-to-day. All of the versions of me that come and go, weaving in and out of those seconds and minutes and hours and days. The much sadder me. The depressed and anxious me. Deal with all of my new inabilities. If you can be there without the questions and judgments about everything. No music, no holidays. No questions. If you can do that… sometimes… for brief seconds. My mom’s humor shines through and that version of me appears. It’s brief and fleeting.
I am living my truest self and it can’t be molded into what society has decided is “normal” and “acceptable”. I’ll be professional when I need to and when I don’t; I am just going to be me. I won’t lower myself to the level of those who aren’t their truest selves. I always want to live life with my mom’s honor in mind. I can accept that the me of now is not the easiest to be around, period. I am not asking anyone to subject themselves to me, especially if you don’t understand and just can’t accept any of it or just want to “fix” me with words you found on the internet. To be blunt, I feel like an open wound that isn’t healing because I keep picking at myself…. blaming myself. It’s going to take me however long to forgive myself; if I ever do.
but, this is me trying. I need people to be at peace with that. All of it. Being here and not going through with the overwhelming thoughts of leaving it all behind. Those thoughts fill me almost every day.
This is me trying.
Trying to just survive without 99% of my heart and soul. I have realized, you don’t have to fake it to make it through the day-to-day. You just have to get up every morning, put one foot in front of the other, and just be as okay as you can be through the hours. Remember, you have nothing to prove to anyone. I just have to get through it. The hardest and longest journey of my life.
And it’s hard to be at a party
When I feel like an open wound
It’s hard to be anywhere these days
When all I want is you
You’re a flashback in a film reel
On the one screen in my townSource: LyricFindSongwriters: Jack Michael Antonoff / Taylor A. Swiftthis is me trying lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
~Ann