I am sitting here, trying to decide what to say.  My heart hurts.  Sadness is deep within me.  Every part of me.  It’s in my bones.  In my soul. During this pandemic, I have been fortunate to continue to work, just from home. It’s been a blessing in disguise.  Most people have been frustrated by this but I, for the first time in a long time, felt a bit of relief. I am at home, in my bedroom… where I don’t have to fake anything.  It’s been relaxing.  I can be sad and withdrawn and angry and whatever else I need to feel or even just be withdrawn.  I don’t have to be a version of me that no longer exists for people that don’t truly matter.  The people I HAVE to be fake for.  The ones that are fake themselves. I sound so truly bitter.  I guess I am.  It’s something you don’t realize is going to happen when you go through the grief process.  The betrayals.  The people who will use your grief as a way to make you look bad. They act concerned for you and let you confide in them and then they use that… I can’t keep doing this. The focus is always on things I can’t control. Those people will always be like that.  Looking for opportunities to screw someone over.  It just makes me sad to think that people can live with themselves.  This isn’t about them and they have gotten enough from me.  This is about me.  About my mom.  About my loss.  Grief is always changing.  Most days, I have gotten to where I can just detach myself from everything.  Almost an out-of-body experience. It’s easy at home though.  I can sit and stare at the T.V. or whatever and just be.  I still can’t watch anything on television.  I haven’t turned on actual television for so long.  I don’t know what shows are still on and just don’t care.   I watch a lot of people on YouTube.  I do watch stuff on Netflix that she never watched or would never watch.  It helps keep my mind off of things.  If I don’t think too much. If I do, then I’ll think of her and whether or not she would have liked it.  Some shows, hit so close to home I feel like someone does get it.  Does understand grief, even if it’s just television.  Most of the shows are safe.  Especially on Netflix.  No music usually.  At least nothing that would hurt.  Until the finale of Outlander.  Also titled, “Never My Love”.  I should have known, right? The title.  As soon as I read it, my mind flashed to the song that my mom introduced me to so long ago. Another on almost every single playlist we had.  If we passed it on the radio, we go back and sing to it.  Sweetly. Lovingly.  Another song that is just so romantic.  I hit play on the episode, get through the new show they are promoting, and the opening scene… someone putting a record on the record player.  I should have known.  Why did I continue to watch?  Then the opening notes to the song.  I feel like my whole body just freezes.  I mute the episode and sit, crying until it looks like a normal Outlander scene and I unmute the tv… still the song, Never My Love.  Back and forth between these out-of-body scenes and present-day scenes.  I can’t take it so I turn the tv off and throw the remote.  I go outside and sob.  I miss my mom so much.  Stupid Mother’s day.  I just wish I could be with her.  My brother is outside and sees me and I have to tell him to let me be.  I want to be alone.  I’m too sad and I just need to cry.  I’ve held in since this pandemic has started because I hate crying around him.  It makes him sadder and has caused seizures.  I am careful around him. I come back in and try to read… I go back to the show but leave it muted till the scenes are over.  By the time the episode is over, I am uncontrollably crying.  The episode was powerful.  Today.  I sit to try and write what is in my heart and as I have tried to do with all of my posts, attached the song that I have named it after.  I wanted to try and listen.  As soon as it came on, my insides seemed to just freeze.  Everything felt so wrong.  I have listed to that song a thousand times on my own.  When she was here.  Now, it’s different.  It’s not right.  I hear it and I feel so confused by the overwhelming loss I am feeling.  She should be here to listen to that song with me.  To hear every song with me.  I hate myself for this.  This is my fault.  I let her die.  I sat and thought nothing was wrong because I was too stupid to think something was actually wrong.  I deserve to be the one dead.  The one no longer here to listen to all of her favorite songs.  She would be here with me during this pandemic.  We wouldn’t have been able to not be around one another.  How could I let this happen?  How could I let her die?  Why didn’t I take her to the doctor sooner?  WHY DID SHE LEAVE ME? She promised that she would be here with me.  That she wasn’t going anywhere.  Why did this have to happen?  I am so mad and hurt and sad.  I can’t breathe right.  She was my air.  She was my best friend. 

Did she wonder, in her final moments if I truly loved her?  Did she think I grew tired of her?  I know it probably seemed like it. If I could take those moments back, I would.  I would say that I could never grow tired of her.  She was my rock. 

“You ask me if there’ll come a time
When I grow tired of you
Never, my love
Never, my love

What makes you think love will end?
When you know that my whole life depends
On you (on you)”