“twas the night before Christmas”

I am sitting here in bed, missing my mom. It’s the day before Christmas and normally, she would be here. Just like Thanksgiving, she would be here helping with stuff for Christmas Day. As I think of all the things we would be doing, I am thinking of all the traditions and things that have been taken from me. That leads me to this blog. One of the hardest things about this, other than not having my mom and best friend here with me, is just dealing with people and their thoughts, ideas and opinions on the grieving process. On Thanksgiving, I got a group message with the typical holiday greeting, which normally would have been great but this time it ripped a whole through me. I know it was done with good intentions but at the same time I couldn’t help but think it was a bit insensitive. I try to put myself in their place and I understand, to a point, that they just wanted to include me and didn’t want me to feel left out. The thing is, I am already left out. Not out of their group or whatever, but this whole process of life, right now. I wanted to scream at them through text message. Say all the things that I have been thinking and feeling over the past few months. Don’t they understand that it is hard enough, waking up every day, going to work and trying to act like a normal human being!! It makes me so angry at them and I know it’s not their fault that my mom is no longer here with me, that is all on me, but they could at least try and put their selves in my shoes and think what they would want or need during this time. I guess I just want people to understand that we are all different and handle our emotions differently and that none of it is right or wrong. Someone I respect very much told me that they thought I wasn’t moving out of my grief… I was honestly so baffled. My mind is blown by the things people have the audacity to say to someone who has just lost a loved one. I can’t remember my exact answer but my answer should have been this: Every day is a first, without my mom. It’s just like some distant relative died that I never saw… this was my mother. The person who gave me life, raised me and shaped me into the person I am today. She early on became my best friend and we did everything together. She was my person. She was my ride or die. I can’t believe that now, I have to continue this journey without her. When I get married and have kids, she won’t get to see that or meet her grandchildren. I just wish people could understand all the things that are gone now. I miss her so much and I am very sad and all I can do is deal the only way I can and try and share my journey so that maybe someone can understand a little bit, until they go through it themselves, one day.