Fix You
This was the first weekend I had actually tried to be a person. I mowed and ran the weed eater. My yard looked pretty good. I also decided to clean up the house and do the laundry. The past few weeks all I have really done is sleep. I have kept up with the mowing but everything else hadn’t really mattered. The lawn matters only because my neighbors might not like my overgrown yard and the animals might not either. Maybe the chickens… Dishes piled up and so did the laundry. I mean, I am one person… one would think there would be THAT much… I did what I could to get somewhat caught up. I bought a new pair of blue tooth earbuds, got a Fit bit to replace my Samsung Gear fit (the nurse at the hospital – well the lady taking blood – had the same gear fit, even the same color so I can’t look at mine anymore)and listened to one song, on repeat. At this point, I can listen to music she would have hated or wouldn’t have liked so I listened to “Bom Bidi Bom” by Nick Jonas and Nicki Minaj. It was still hard, I could just see the look she would give me. The headphones will help for when I am in a grocery store and hear a song, any song that will make me tear up. This way I can listen to something she’d hate or an audio book…
I was laying in bed last night, trying to sleep, and I was overwhelmed by an ache in my heart. All of the pretending over the weekend caught up to me and I was immensely sad. My mother not being here filled every space in the room and I was bereft. I thought about her and asked whomever is in charge to please take me to her, let my time be sooner than later because what is the purpose of me without her? I stared at the ceiling for the longest time and my mind wondered to the conversation about “faking it” for people. I got angry again, sadder even because I shouldn’t have to fake it for anyone. This isn’t about anyone but me. My mother was too important of a person to me for me to fake how I feel. I am sad and miss her and am completely lost without her and if people can’t understand that right now, then they aren’t truly someone who I would ever want to spend my time with. I have given myself 100% to all aspects of my life and I have always been that goofy, happy, thinks-I-am-the-funniest-person alive, sorta person but right now my identity has been taken from me. Maybe people don’t understand or they have been through it and don’t remember the feeling or I am just a loser who needs to get over it… It’s only been 103 days, 3 months and 11 days, 148,320 minutes, 8,899,200 seconds since she was here, then wasn’t. I took her to the hospital and left without her. I didn’t get to bring her home, instead I got to bring her ashes home. I don’t get to talk to her every day like I used to. I don’t get to see her or hear her voice. I don’t get to roll my eyes at her jokes or how slow she walks because of the bolts in her ankles. I WILL NEVER GET TO HEAR HER TELL ME SHE LOVES ME. I wish people could understand that my relationship with my mom was atypical. I am not married or with anyone and don’t go hang out with friends… she was it. Right or wrong, my life revolved around her. I knew I needed to get out and start my life but I couldn’t. She lived right behind me, I walked over to her house almost everyday. I talked with her on the phone more times that I could count in a day. We did everything together… grocery shopping, going to lake, taking drives around Jones and Choctaw… we would go to the movies when there was one we really wanted to see… we’d go out the dinner… she needed me and she was my other half. Now, all of those things are done for her. Last summer we said that we needed to make sure and get to the lake at least for a day trip and maybe one camping trip as we didn’t make it the previous summer. We just never felt like going. I went to the State Fair alone last year, for the first time in my life, because her ankles bothered her too much but she said she would go this year… For her birthday, she wanted to go the the Dixie Diner in Nicoma Park (she loved their hamburgers and fries) but she wanted to just spend the day at my house so we cooked burgers on the grill which she also loved. She loved Mexican food and I can’t remember the last time I took her out to enjoy that. She was looking forward to the new seasons of her favorite shows… she doesn’t get to watch those now. She doesn’t get to listen to her favorite music anymore. Everything was wiped out – I blinked and it was all over. I never thought she would die. I thought I had time to get married and have kids. I wanted her to enjoy her grandchildren. I wanted to give her everything that she tried to give us her entire life. I loved her wholly and fully and with everything I had and that isn’t something I can just forget in a matter of months and days and minutes and seconds. One day, I will figure out who I am not but I will not fake anything for anyone and that goes for anyone at my job. I will still give 100% of myself to my job, doing everything with the best of my ability but I will not flit around like the world didn’t stop turning for me just because everyone wants to see the old me. If you can’t deal with the sad and lonely and lost me, then you don’t deserve the happy-go-lucky me.
“And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?”Fix You
Artist – Coldplay | Lyrics – Chris Martin, Guy Berryman, Johnny Buckland & Will Champion
