“Over You”

1:58 a.m.

29 March 2018

I lost my best friend. My everything. My mom.

The past four years have seemed to fly by. Everything continues to move while you feel as if you are standing still. I am stuck back in March of 2018 when everything for me stopped. I replay every moment. I think about how I was sick during Spring Break and I watched Little House on the Prairie ( didn’t tell my mom I was doing this because it was what we binged on our Sundays together). She spent the night Saturday because she wasn’t feeling well. She had a backache and I thought she would feel better sleeping in my bed. She slept most of Sunday and I don’t remember her eating. It got to the point in the day when I asked her if she needed to go to the hospital. I was still was tired and was not the nicest about it. Impatient. She wanted to go so I took her thinking it was a kidney infection or a UTI. I didn’t go back with her.

That is the moment I relive almost every time I stop to be still. When I close my eyes at night to sleep. What keeps me up. That one moment when I made the decision to not go back with her. She had been hospitalized the year before with diverticulitis and I know she probably didn’t say anything. She wasn’t back for long. They diagnosed her with a UTI and sent her off with some prescriptions. She felt better over the next few days.

If I had gone back with her, I would have told them that she had been diagnosed and maybe they would have done a scan and maybe they would have found the rupture. She would have been stable enough to have made it through the surgery. She would still be here with me.

So, you see. It’s my fault that she is gone and that is something I have to live with. It’s paralyzing. I was her advocate. My entire life I spent worrying about her and I blinked and let her down. One moment. I can’t ever take it back.  It doesn’t account for all of the other moments I failed her. I should have made sure she saw a doctor. So many things I should have done.

I can’t change it though I wish with everything in me I could.