“In my Easter Bonnet with all the Frills up on it”

It’s the night before Easter. Easter was more of a relaxed day for us. It’s always been just me my mom and brother, and every once in a while, my sister, Nichole. More often than not though, just me and my mom with an appearance by brother. This Easter, of course is different. Last year, we had my mom’s memorial on Easter. Of course, it fell on a different date this year, so that day has come and gone but I will always associate Easter with her memorial.

The night before I stayed the night with a friend and her daughter and got back home in time to let the chickens out and get to the Funeral home. I was the first one there. They had her ready, in hone of the viewing rooms that could home 100 people maybe. Maybe less. I remember walking through the funeral home to the room where she was held… I was still wearing my pajamas; I remember thinking that it was really cold in the building. Waling up the aisle to where she lay. I sat my stuff down in the first pew and walked up to her. I can’t honestly remember what i did or said but it wasn’t long after that I had to go back out to my car and get a blanket. As I walked to my car, my brother showed up with his friend he had stayed with. They were pulling in as I walked back in. So much of the day was a blur, I know he didn’t stay long. He just couldn’t handle it and I didn’t want his last memories of our mother to be her laying there cold, in a coffin. I hadn’t been sleeping but was able to lie down for a bit and sleep. I felt like it was where I needed to be. She was with me, like she would have been on a normal Sunday. I looked at her and asked, “Want to take a nap?” and so we did. A few people came and went and finally my sisters all got there, and I stayed still with my eyes closed listening to them as they stood in front of our mom. They spoke of how much I looked like our mom and how our brother has her hands. I got up at one point and went and just laid with her. I had her mp3 player and put one in her ear and one in mine and I selected every song I thought that she would want to hear and say them all to her. Every song she would never get to hear again. Because of me. It got to the point to where the funeral home staff were asking if I had a doctor so I could be sedated or maybe even checked into the loony bin. I wanted to die. I wanted to die so my body could be burned that day and my moms ashes and mine could be mixed together and bonded together, forever.

I still want that. I miss her with ever fiber of my being and I hate that I feel like I am wrong for that. I could never adequately explain my moms and my relationship. It just wasn’t typical. It never has been and I hate saying that cause I am afraid people will be ignorant and make that into something that it’s not or isn’t appropriate. The Gilmore Girls are a lot like how we truly were in real life except I was Lorelai and my mom was Rory. We were like the poor versions of them but that is the only way I can think to explain it. It was deeper than mom and kid. I feel like screaming that she was more to me than a mom that I moved away from and maybe spoke to on the phone once a month. We talked 20 times a day, every Sunday we spent together and many other evenings and such if we needed to run an errand. We loved coffee and just getting in the car and driving around, listening to music. We would drive down to Lake Thunderbird and just sit at our camping area when it was still closed to the public.. It was peaceful. I always needed her opinion on everything, I called for everything and so did she.

In my last blog, I mentioned that someone had told me that I was looking really good and how that upset me. Maybe I do but I feel like I am dying on the inside. Like I am rotting from the inside out. I know this isn’t what my mom would have wanted for me but her leaving me has cut me to pieces. She left me behind. I am still whole, have all of my vital organs but they are ripped to shreds.

My last thought for this blog, which takes me to the title. One of our favorite movies was Sybil with Sally Fields. We would watch that movie during the holidays, whether it was Easter or Christmas or whenever. This was one of our favorite scenes in the film. I really, really wish she were here with me to watch it.