“Look What you Made me Do”

I have made my rounds, and made my apologies. I did as I was told and am only glad that I made the apologies. The people I shut out didn’t deserve it, not necessarily. Many of them probably understand more than I wanted to realize. Some though, don’t, and that’s fine. Those that don’t understand or treat my grieving and depression as a bad attitude, don’t matter, in the end. If they were truly there for me or knew who I was as a person would never see it that way, they would see the darkness for what it is – broken. I know who they are though, and can keep those people at arms length. The ones in between… one that could be in their pocket… in a pocket… to provide updates and Intel and receipts… well, I will keep them closer than all the rest. I learned a hard lesson, a lesson that doesn’t stick no matter what I go through or how many times I get the lesson fed to me… Maybe this time it will stick… Be careful who you trust and if those people already have a reputation of being a certain way; give them a chance to prove to you that they aren’t truly as bad as they have been made out to seem -but keep that reputation and proof of hatred acts in the back of your mind no matter what they say to your face, how they treat and act towards you – even if you confided in them how hard your moms death has been on you and why you can’t listen to the radio or really any music or why you can’t turn on the T.V to a normal station that might be showing a show you used to watch with her or make fun of her for watching. You vet each show possibility by checking to see if there is any main stream music in it that might break your heart further apart… You have told them why you can’t participate in their conversations…. it hurts too much… all of the conversations they are having will bring up memories and the fact there are no more memories to be made with someone who meant more to you than your own self. Maybe, you do want to become invisible, because like you have told them… you don’t know who you are anymore without your person, your best friend, your mother, your sister, your everything. You can’t go out to lunch with them, step foot inside a restaurant, that again, could be playing a song that she would have loved and can’t listen to or already loved and that shatters you. They haven’t seen the anxiety attacks that one single song can set off. On single thought or memory… You have tried to share these things with them in hopes that if you can escape the darkness that surrounds you, no matter what has and is being said about them, no matter what you already know to be true; you long to belong somewhere and you hope that you have found that somewhere. Somewhere where you felt like they understood and weren’t judging you. For the most part, they didn’t say to find something to smile about or just rip off the bandage and move on or your more standard responses of it won’t go away but it will get better… Because of their “support” you make yourself fit in, no matter the cost. You know it’s wrong and the things you see and hear are wrong but you aren’t really there anyway so you stay out of it for the most part… Then it all becomes crystal clear… They aren’t changing who they are. You are changing into them. No matter how quiet you stay, you still participate and become just as evil because you think you are helping and that isn’t the case. You think that the only way out is in until you get hit in the face with the cold hard truth of it. All of the gossip and back stabbing and the inability to let everything just be is an impossibility with these people. Nothing is dropped but instead everything is constantly rehashed and the target is burned on the stake – not just once but a million times over. They don’t have a chance to defend themselves as they are already judged a liar and then because you take a small stand and say NO, you don’t want to take part in that days trials and the table is turned on you and it all flashes before yours eyes. All the rumors and whispers about it all whistle through your mind and you truly realize the truth and take a stand to get yourself out in front of it to try and do some good… Not only because you have always known how wrong it is, how hurtful it all can be but because you are the next victim. In the end, they twist it all around and change the narrative so YOU are the problem. They use your grief against you and you wish you would have never confided in them… in her. What’s sad is the one you trusted the most, came to you.. saying they wanted out… they have been told by others to stay out of it all, to keep to themselves – they are the one that betrayed you the most. Hurt you the most and I know that I hurt them just as bad but because it seemed that they couldn’t help themselves… that whoever they were as a person made them want to keep the whole thing going, everyday… all day. They left you no choice because you knew that if you tried to have another conversation with them, the same conversation you and others keep having with them, to stay out of it all and to not get wrapped up in the gossiping and bullying; will go as it always does; in one ear and out the other.

It’s all just so sad because I do miss them because they are very protective of one another. They would do almost anything for each other, including lying and twisting the narrative to protect themselves. Because of that, I don’t miss them. It’s so easy to play along but once you are on the outside, you are out. Looking at it all now, I saw the signs of them slowly turning against me. At the lowest point of my life, when I am at my weakest… when I really needed something, someone… they used it all against me.

In the end though, it makes me miss my mom so much more. Now, I have to smile and act like I don’t miss her. The need to get away, to end it all… it’s stronger than ever. I want to move… or stay or… I hurt so much and I just wish someone would look into my eyes and see that I am not here. I wish someone would just see me, I wish I could trust somebody. I wish I had somebody.